Sunday, December 25, 2011

The first blog....

ok so this is my first blog ever. so ill just start out by saying im a mommy of a beautiful boy who is 16 month right now almost 17. and i am currently engaged and im about to be married in like a few months! i can not wait! were getting married in AZ in a beeeeaaaaaautiful place called ashley manor. its a frickn castle. im so excited. sooo, ok. i have recently kicked my eating disorder into full gear. everyone in my family thinks im doing this the right way. losing weight that is and im totally not. i barely eat. like for example today i had like 1 cup of goldfish crackers. 2 ritz whole wheat crackers with cheese and a piece of hickory farms meat and like two of my sons butterfinger chocolate thingys. and they are shaped like little bells. they are super small! and then i ran for about 2.5 miles. walked another 2.5 because i couldnt breathe and i was so dizzy by the time i got to where i needed to get to. I work out everyday! EVERY FUCKING DAY! no exceptions. i mean fuck its christmas today and ana made my fat ass go out and run! Ana, thats what i call 'it' her voice is soo strong lately!!! my fiance has no idea. i lie to him about what i eat every fucking day and time he asks me 'what did you eat?' like he thinks i ate today. i usually 'eat' when hes gone. and im a stay at home mom so its super easy to lie about what i eat during the day. i do a lot of chewing and spitting lately. so the wrappers are around. He probably thinks im eating. yet im spitting it out in the toilet or in a cup. like yesterday i was doing it right in front of him and he didnt even have a clue. i feel bad like im lying well, because i am but. i dont know. its 'the wedding' i think. but deep down i know its not. i just wanna be thin in my dress. and only this many more pounds i keep saying. or ana keeps saying. And when people tell me im "too skinny" is when i know ive reached my goals. but will i stop. i debate on going to get help. cause i dont think its that crazy maybe cause im not scary skinny. but i have been throwing up often as well. not a lot. i dont like doing it and i know its fucking awful on your body. well, so is NOT eating too but you know what i mean? probably not. anyways, i have been. and my son walked in the other day and i felt weird like i know hes to young to know what the fuck mommys doing but i dont want him to ever see me doing it. in fear he might remember it. he also sees me 'spitting' i dont like that either! so i have to be very careful. ive even started reading books about eating disorders and watching shows about it!! im like obsessed! its like i love getting the tips or something i dont know! its crazy! its so nuts to think i live this crazy life that people dont know about... like at all. no one knows how serious or intense it is. then i feel bad cause everyone thinks im doing this the right way ya know and its like a huge lie. cause im not at all! but i like this life right now. or is ana speaking for me? who knows. all i know is im not thin enough yet! like i said i dont like purging. i love love love the feeling i get after it buuut i hate doing it. So i figure dont fuck up your esophagus and throat, just dont eat. plus i hear bulimia is liinked o brain cancer! but ana and mia are a fucking cancer in themselves......